Words

In 2014, I traded into a Scion xB and it was such a great day. The xB was, and still is, one of the few cars that I really wanted. I mean, everyone has one of those cars–the Mustang; the Corvette; the Quatraporte; and so on–but they’re not exactly… everyday cars. The xB, however, was the definition of reliable, day-to-day. Hell, at that point in 2014, most cab fleets contained more than a few xBs (Honestly, I think that’s why Toyota chose to discontinue Scion as a brand. It wasn’t as much about the “young and hip crowd” as it had been when the line first launched).

So why am I telling you this (instead of posting a story)? Well, because I’m trying to sort out my feelings on letting my Scion go. I already got a new vehicle, a decision made for a number of practical reasons–chief among them is having something that will work as a transportation solution for when Rei needs to travel with her mobility scooter. Practical as they all are is, no reason assuages my heartache about having to part ways. I just always expected the xB to be there (in large part because of my inability to actually visualize the future) so the thought of it not being parked outside feels wrong. Like, I sat down today to get some of my things out of the glove box/center console and just started tearing up. I had to sit and sniffle for a bit before I could head to work.

Trying to put it into words, the emotion sort of feels like the same sort of sorrow mixed with shame (albeit much, much less intense) that I have felt each time I’ve had to let one of our animals go. Why does selling my car make me feel like I’m betraying a friend? Why is writing this post making me cry?

It isn’t like the xB knows it saw me through some of the worst bouts of depression. The xB isn’t aware of how it made me realize how much I love living around Philly. The xB cannot comprehend how it’s been a constant in my relationship with Rei or how many important conversations it hosted. I doubt the xB realizes how the many road trips for judging were part of why we could afford a downpayment on the house.

(Seriously, though. This is getting to me, so I am going to end here.)